June 30, 2010

Even if you donated three hundred pots
Of cooked food three times a day,
It could not compare to even a fraction
Of the merit from just a moment's love.

Today, while folding a pile of laundry, I began to cry.  The kids were downstairs with Rick who stayed home from work today, not feeling well. 

It seems that always, after a week of Rick's epilepsy, I feel tired, overwhelmed, and lonely.  He is only a shadow of himself for a while.  

I was trying hard not to feel sad or sorry for myself, but a week of pent-up emotions came spilling out of me.    I wanted so badly a friend at that moment to sit beside me, to visit with.

So I prayed for help.

Moments later Rick came up the stairs and saw I had been crying-- a rarity from me.  He just sat beside me and asked me what was wrong while loving me better.  The kids followed shortly after and looked shocked to see their Mommy cry.  They followed Rick's lead though and showered me with loves and kisses and concern.

Oh how I needed the arms of my family around me at that moment.

Later, Rick took the boys to the store and left me alone with my thoughts (and the folded laundry).  I found the quote above while browsing through my bookshelf and was again moved to tears.

I ran through the day I had had so far through my mind, from waking up until that moment-- trying to remember all the details, emotions and feelings from the day.  Instead of shrugging away my emotions, I wanted to understand what had led to them.

And there, tucked away from somewhere inside me, a truth emerged that I hadn't ever considered before--all of my emotions of sadness from that day had nothing to do with the things or the people around me.  They all had emerged from unmet expectations.  I saw with clarity in that moment how hurtful putting expectations on others is to ourselves and to those around us.  It robs us and others the happiness that comes from accomplishment and learning, and denies hope and faith a place in out heart.  

Nothing mattered except that unexpected moment of love from Rick and my kids.  It filled a part of me that was in need, and the rest just evaporated.

Later I felt inspired to read Psalms 23.  It's the first time I've ever had a specific book and chapter of scripture come to my mind.  It felt like it was the first time I had ever read it-- so simple, so beautiful, so perfect.

Later I put the kids to bed.  I laid next to Vaughn's bed while the downing sun made the gold curtains in his room look like glowing honey.  Then I rocked Mason like I used to do while singing him his favorite songs.  When I laid him in his crib we blew each other kisses which made him giggle.

And here I am at my day's end, ready to spend time with Rick.  I feel happy, at peace, and so grateful to be exactly where I am.